Updated: Jun 20, 2020
We've all been there. You just had a nice coffee and some spicy food. Now it is time to go park yourself on that sweet porcelain pooper for an unforeseen amount of time. But you can't just sit there while you dump, listening to the bizarre sounds of your body and drowning in your inner thoughts.... That's where I come in to recommend the top 10 games to play while you take a poop. And no, I refuse to put Candy Crush here.
Picross is a fantastic brain teaser game in which you are given a grid and have to fill in the correct blocks using number clues on the sides of the grid that tell you how many spaces need to be filled in for each row and column. If it sounds kind of like a game of Sudoku that's because it is, only it is better.
9. Sonic the Hedgehog 1,2 and CD
Hey I get to talk about Sonic the Hedgehog again. Christian Whitehead, the genius behind Sonic Mania, also managed to make ports of Sonic 1, Sonic 2, and Sonic CD and put them on mobile phones (Yeah Sonic 3 is in legal hell so it'll have to wait). These are undoubtedly the best versions of these classic games I love, and Sonic CD. The gameplay of Sonic is all about building up momentum and getting to end of the level, and the fact that levels are pretty short means it works extremely well if you have just a couple minutes to blast your way through a level, while your ass blasts your toilet. You can get the games for free on most mobile devices, so give em a go and have fun.
8. Persona 4 Golden Shut up, let me have this one. The remake of the classic Persona 4, Persona 4 Golden sits as a PS Vita exclusive (until Atlus hopefully brings it to all modern platforms) and the best reason to own the stupid little toy. But why is an 80+ hour RPG on this list? Because believe it or not, the nature or P4G is great for playing in short bursts and long marathons alike. Persona 4 is split up into two segments: dungeon crawling like a typical RPG, and life simulator visual novel. Either of these sections are designed to be picked up and put down on a whim, so Persona 4 Golden makes a surprisingly great game to play while you take a poop. Plus dancing on the toilet to insane tracks like "I'll Face Myself" and "Reach out to the Truth" is a lot more fun than you might think.
7. Angry Birds I had put at least one insufferable mobile game on this list, so I chose Angry Birds. A simple game with quick little puzzle levels is a fantastic way to make the pooping experience far better. There's like a billion Angry Birds games and they're all the same thing, so play whichever one and have fun.
6. Plants vs Zombies
One of the grandparents to mobile gaming that helped make it into what it today, Plants vs Zombies is a modern classic and basically everyone knows it. Simple and fun tower defense gameplay with a charming aesthetic. Give it a go next time you really gotta go and watch the time fly by.
5. Literally any game on the Nintendo Switch The Nintendo Switch console has allowed us take many games exclusive to a home console setup and play them wherever. So consider this the wild card pick, literally any game on the Switch is enhanced by playing it on the toilet. Xenoblade, Smash Bros, A Hat in Time, DOOM, Final Fantasy, you name it. If it on the Switch, it is fun to play while you poop.
4. Super Mario Run Everyone knows Mario, he's basically the face of this stupid hobby we call video games. Well thanks to Super Mario Run, you can enjoy a nice quick bout of the classic gameplay from the Jumpman while you poop. The Mario formula is so simple and understandable that it translates to a quick mobile game extremely well. Plus you can play as Luigi, Luigi is just Mario but better.
3. Solitaire/ literally every simple card game Do I even have to explain this pick? A simple card game makes the perfect time waster while you expel your waste. Take your pick of whatever game (Solitaire is the best) and have at 'er. That's all I have to say about this.
2. Fire Emblem Heroes Probably the best mobile phone game of the past few years in my opinion, and the only one I've played for a decent amount of time. Fire Emblem Heroes is all about using stupid anime characters to fight in simple tactical battles. While you can pay in this game for extra stupid gacha rolls for more dumb anime characters, I have never paid a cent and have played the game since it launched. Quick, bite sized missions and tons of characters to unlock makes this a great time waster. Plus if you have a certain taste, you can enjoy the artwork in . . . other ways (I won't judge, out loud).
1. Tetris/Puyo Puyo/Panel de Pon/Dr. Mario
Tetris is arguably the most classic and well known game of all time so of course it would make it on this list, but it is by no means the only awesome puzzle game to waste away your time with. All of these games play similar enough that it is worth just lumping them together in one single spot. Puyo Puyo is a well beloved entry, Panel de Pon was literally called Tetris Attack when it first launched in the west on the Super Nintendo, and do I even need to talk about how great Dr. Mario is? Any way you slice it, nothing beats going for that high score on the pooper. I've had many small sessions on the toilet last over an hour with each of these games solely because I was just so in the zone I could not simply move.
Whatever you choose to boot up next time you go to relieve yourself, I hope you have a good time. May you poop well, play better, wash your hands, and disinfect things as needed.