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Static (2012) - An Awful Movie Review

Well, my little kittens, it is time again to gather around the television and watch another forgettable movie. With such critical praise as “I’m not sure the ending is worth the time investment.” Or “it’d be really difficult to enjoy this film at all. You’d have to really hate films, or yourself, or life, if you’re putting yourself through this utter sh*t without good cause.” I quickly realized I should have bought two bottles of bourbon instead of one to struggle through the next hour and twenty-three minutes. Let’s take our edibles, pour a drink, and hit play.

Static, a film directed/written by first timer Todd Levin, and yes it definitely shows. Starring Milo Ventimiglia as a young novelist and Sarah Shakisa as his wife. The couple struggles with marital problems after the death of their son. A stranger shows up, played just as terribly by Sarah Patton claiming to be followed by masked strangers. The Masked Strangers break into the house and all hell breaks loose. I will start off with a positive critique. The opening credit shots have some interesting composition. That’s all the positivity it gets. I have seen Milo act in a few things and I know he can be charismatic and add some charm to a character but what he does in this role is dreadful. It’s like the director witnessed Milo murder a hobo and was holding over him to be in this movie. I’ve never seen a character played so unemotionally while delivering lines with zero substance like this before.

Okay, only 13 minutes into this flick and it already feels like an hour. God help us. Oh the introduction of Sarah’s character. The story and suspense should pick up a little. NOPE! Time to pour another drink. No, don’t pause it; I am positive I’m not going to miss anything.

The lack of emoting is only seconded by the drab colour in this film. It really sets a tone that says “Do it! Jump in the tub with the toaster. Maybe things will be more vivid on the other side.” Do you love shaky camera work and terrible cinematography? Then I found your film. Maybe Todd couldn’t afford a tripod or something, but he sure didn’t blow the budget on sound design. Maybe it was a choice to keep all the dialogue low. Forcing the viewer to crank up the audio. Then when there is a “tense”scene the background music comes in so loud that it gives you a heart attack. Please, give me a heart attack and kill me. Time for another drink already? I’m just going to get the bottle.

Apparently the only thing this movie has going for it is the big twist ending. I am not a smart man but had an assumption about what really was happening about 40 minutes in. I then thought ”No, that can’t be the twist. What idiotic lazy writing if that’s the twist. Keep watching ole bean. This surely pays off with an amazing twist.” Yeah, it sure was the twist. Well kittens, the movie and bottle of bourbon are done. Perhaps we will have better luck with the next pick.

- N.P

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