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Merlin’s Mewsings

Updated: Jul 4, 2020

Hello there. People call me Merlin, and you may not like me because I am what humans call a cat. I don’t really care for the term, it seems like such a blunt word, and just one syllable. I wonder which silly person came up with the word when they were naming animals in the English language. Probably a human with no imagination and no respect for the beauty, elegance, and sophistication of my species. Anyway, like me or not, I decided to write this blog at the request of my Brutal Reality Digest friend, Alison.

I use the term “friend” lightly, because in truth, I am in control. She takes care of all of my needs, provides EVERYTHING. I don’t have to do anything. I can sleep all I want, eat all I want, (my dish is always full) and she takes care of my bathroom. Luckily, she hasn’t caught on to the fact that I am a mooch, but I do tolerate her, and maybe even like her a little bit.

Enough about my easy life. I am here to offer you my unique perspective on every topic of human life, from my experience and observations. I believe my species is misunderstood, we are aloof, but mark my words, we are not stupid. Unlike those nasty patches of light that flash on the wall and tease me with their movements. Try as I might, I have never caught one. But I will, someday. I’m telling you, when I catch one of those bastards it’s going to regret taunting me.

Today I have some questions for people. Can you please tell me why you sit in a large container filled with bubbles and water? Why does anyone do this? Are you trying to make yourself into soup? And why do you sit there so long? It frightens me, I don’t really like water except to drink it and you guys get so wrinkled when you hang out in there I am sure it can’t be good for you. Sometimes I sit on the side of the giant water container and swat at the person in there and meow at them to get out. I don’t understand that room of the house at all. There’s so much water. And no one is drinking it. I can’t believe what people do with the large porcelain water dish with the lid in that room, I mean, it’s not a litter box, and the water in it is so fresh and cold. But don’t worry. I quit drinking out of it when I observed what people do to it. Alison has provided me with a fountain and I know it is much cleaner anyway.

There’s another water container in that room I don’t understand either. It has a curved metal piece that water pours out of just like the giant soup-water container that people sit in. People do horrible things to that small, water pouring, porcelain bowl that I can’t imagine why. I won’t mention most of it, but I noticed that men like to scrape the hair off of their faces into it. This is beyond me. Don’t they like the natural fur on their faces? I am so curious as to why people also put some kind of soap in their mouths, push a small brush in there, and then spit out the soap. I licked some soap once, it tasted awful. Maybe that’s why they spit it. Well, they shouldn’t have put the soap in their mouth in the first place. Dummies.

Like I said, I don’t understand the water room at all. Alison has never explained it to me. I don’t expect she will, she doesn’t seem to have the same language capabilities as I have. Oh well. I think I will go have a bath now. I need to lick my fur twice over today because of the warm weather. It’s after midnight, just time for some breakfast and a night of running about the place like a mad cat. Have a great night. - Merlin

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